Quick Post - Ice Cream

This is just a quick log:

I want to eat right now. I'm not hungry. I'm not thirsty. But its hot as heck outside, 96 today, and all I can think about is how wonderful a delicious sweet ice cream cone from McDonald's would taste.

I do not need ice cream. I do not need it to cool down. It does not contribute to my satiety level. It does not contribute to my water needs. It will do nothing but make me feel guilty and miserable 10 minutes after its gone.

Sometimes this helps:

McDonalds does not have a real ice cream. It's full of weird stuff. Just look at what is in the "Vanilla Reduced Fat Ice Cream they use in their cones:

Milk, sugar, cream, nonfat milk solids, corn syrup solids, mono- and didlycerides, guar gum, dextrose, sodium citrate, artificial vanilla flavor, sodium phosphate, carrageenan, disodium phosphate, cellulose gum, vitamin A palmitate.

Um what? Why do they need all of that?

This is what is in all of their ice cream cones:

Enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), tapioca starch, sugar, shortening [soybean oil, palm oil, soy lecithin (emulsifier)], leavening (baking soda, ammonium bicarbonate), salt, natural flavor (plant source), annatto (color), caramel color, corn syrup (processing aid). 

It's no surprise you can get addicted to these chemicals. Its a chemical addition like meth or alcohol. 

I'm drinking water like its going out of style in order to combat the craving. 

I think I can.

I think I can. 

I think I can. 

The Weekend Was Awesome - It Also Totally Blew

So now that I am realizing the patterns of Compulsive Overeating  (CO) I'm seeing where my triggers are and also seeing how quickly I can fall off the wagon.

Friday went really well. I stayed on plan. I had yogurt for breakfast. A home made sandwich with turkey, cheese, and pesto for lunch with a bag of sun chips a little later. For my afternoon 3pm manic munchies snack I had a light string cheese. Then the "It's Friday and We Wanna Go Out!"  cravings started in. This happens about 4pm on Friday. Michael and I went back and forth over when and where and if we should go. Usually we meet up with another couple and the 5 of us (Piper being our 5th wheel) go out to dinner or occasionally we bbq at each others houses as well. Well our other couple friends weren't available so we had to decide on our own. We even talked about... Fast Food. Ugh my weakness. I was trying to be strong. We finally decided on staying in after we talked about our trip for Sunday (I'll talk about that in a minute). It felt like a success! We made a healthy decision! I made a pasta mix that had thin spaghetti,  turkey kielbasa, carrots, onion, sauteed spinach and garlic in it. I tossed it with a little bit of olive oil and we sprinkled parmesan cheese on top. It was really good! No dessert for me and I was A - OK with that. I was over in my calories, fat, protein, and sugar (mostly due to the extra kielbasa I snagged while waiting for Piper to finish her dinner)  but not by much and it still felt like a victory over the fast food demon.

Saturday I tried to start the morning off well but it just kind of back fired. I opened the fridge and there was no yogurt. The kefir wasn't ready yet and so I wasn't sure what to have for breakfast. I looked in the fridge and found 'the last' of the cherries. 'The Last' is never a good thing to assign to food. The Last insinuates that you should just eat it to get rid of the last of it. No matter what  'The Last' actually mearures out to it implies that that is a serving that should be ingested. The last of the cherries did not get counted before they were washed and put into a bowl. It was a beautiful bowl of cherries, why should I look at it suspiciously? I did not count them as I was eating them. They were delicious and I was having fun singing the ABC's to Piper over and over again between bites. I did count the pits so I could account for them in my food journal. 40 cherries later I realized I had just ingested 35 grams of sugar. That is 8 grams more than my total daily recommendation. Just in the 15 - 20 minutes it took me to eat those cherries I had busted out of my sugar goal for the day. Ouch. For a snack later on I had a bag of sun chips. For lunch I had a serving of left over turkey kielbasa spaghetti, and then things got hinky. Dinner time again. I had a plan on written out for dinner but we were already out and about having taken Piper to the used book store and the park and we just didn't really want to go home and cook. It was hot out and we were tired and we had a pocket full of excuses as to why it was better to go out to dinner. I knew this was a bad idea. In the back of my head I realized if we went I wouldn't be able to be good. We ended up at Panera. I'm going to be honest. We were trying to go to Red Robin but the line was out the door and we quickly changed our minds. We didn't start out with healthy options in mind. Just keepin it real here. So we order our meals. Piper got PB&J, Michael got a panini, and none of that matters right now. I'm stalling. Here is what I got; The Roasted Turkey and Avocado BLT with chips. And here is the killer for someone with OA. They always upsell you at the end.

Teenage Cashier who has no idea I'm a CO because why the heck would she "And for 99 cents more would you like an item from our Bakery?"

And myself like a ferret who just found something shiny "Oh! Why yes! Yes I would!"

A double fudge brownie with sticky sweet chocolate frosting found its way back to my table. I shared with Michael. Piper got one tiny bite but on the whole I have panic attacks when she gets anything dessert like because I don't want her to turn out like me so she doesn't get much.

I ate my meal, and some of Piper's PBJ too. It all tasted like heaven. My endorphins were racing. I felt great, giddy even. I was on a high.

We got home and got Piper to bed after a bit of struggle. I felt worn out from the crying and hassle that comes with bed times sometimes and I knew instantly what I was going to do. I also knew I was doing something wrong. I got the feeling I got when I was a kid and knew I was going to do something I wasn't supposed to. It was a guilty thrill. Into the freezer I went and out came some ice cream. My husband and I watched some Britain's Got Talent (We're American's but the Brit version is so good!) and at about the 10 o'clock mark I went back for a second. Thank heaven's we only buy personal serving cups for this very reason. I could have very easily eaten a full tub in ice cream. I looked at Michael when I came back with my second helping wondering guiltily if he was going to say something. He didn't. Probably just as well because I would have yelled at him. And it's not his fault. I just wanted my ice cream. It's a trigger food. I shouldn't keep it in the house at all. I wanted it bad.

Sunday we went to the Maker Fair in San Mateo! Being the big geeks we are we love everything science and this is like the biggest electronics fair in our area and even that is an over 3 hour drive. A bunch of us were caravaning (all driving up at the same time together in our own cars) up together. Our first stop was in a town called Los Banos which is about half way between Fresno and San Mateo. We all decided to stop at McDonalds. I'll tell you now in case you haven't pick up on it yet, but I was in full fledged binge mode now. We got Piper an oatmeal, and then Michael got a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese biscuit. I got a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese biscuit, a hash brown, and a mocha coffee. Piper wouldn't eat the oatmeal so a diabetic in our group gave her his english muffin. She nommed on that and some egg pieces while I finished my meal and started in on the oatmeal. I also ate some of the english muffin that should have been Piper's. Worlds Best Mom.... fail.

We got to the fair and just had a blast there was SO much to see. A working R2D2 machine ala Star Wars. There were cars that were made to look like Cup Cakes (too cute), huge human sized Mouse Trap games where real people were the playing pieces, works of art, tons of working robots, etc. etc. etc. It really is a neat fair and if you live in California you should check it out. Anyways it gets to be about noon and I decide it's TIME to eat. Gotta eat Now! I shared a fair sized lemonade with a friend and got a tostada with chicken and roasted vegetables for lunch. It was pretty good. Besides water we didn't eat anything else at the fair, partly because we were just totally excited, and partly because we really wanted these frozen custard things everyone was talking about but we couldn't find them. When we left we went to Gilroy for dinner on our way home. That is the garlic capital of the world for those that don't know! We ate at a place called Station 55 and it was Delicious. I had a turkey club with french fries. I also ordered a brownie made fresh in ceramic custard cups with vanilla ice cream on the side. Michael and I shared but I wanted to use my spoon to sword fight his spoon to the ground so I could eat it all on my own.

Now to back track a little I was in partial charge of choosing where we would all end up for dinner. I veto'd 3 different places because they failed to have a dessert menu on their websites. Yah. That was me. This is not me be being cocky. I am just trying to finally be honest about what I've been doing here. I said I don't want to go here because there might not be dessert, specifically ice cream. This is the same as an alcoholic saying I don't want to go there because they might not serve alcohol. 

Today is a new day and I'm looking back over the weekend and I'm ashamed. Why can't I control this? Why can't I say "I think I'll pass on the brownie". or "I don't need to pacify my stress with ice cream?"  Why can't I bring a lunch from home instead of buying breakfast, lunch, and dinner out? I think I'm finally starting to realize OA step 2. I honestly don't think I can do this without some kind of outside help. I am a compulsive over eater. This isn't something I'm just making up in my head. Its not a silly non issue that I'm blowing up to gigantic proportions. I have a problem I have to deal with. I have a disease. An eating disease.

To leave things on not such a heavy note here are a couple of pictures from the faire. We did have a good time.

Over Eaters Anonymous - Meeting 1

So last night I went to my first Over-eaters Anonymous meeting. It was... scary. I walked in there alone (like 10 minutes late mind you due to traffic; I hate being late) and all of these much older senior citizens look up and I just freeze. I'm not ageist but the first thought that popped in my mind is 'WTF am I doing. How can I relate to these people? I'm the youngest one in here by far at 33!' And yes, I'm going to sound like a jerk here, but with the exception of two women everyone there looked poverty line uneducated. I'm not sure how to relay exactly how they seemed that way, but they did. I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to relate to this group which was my whole reason for reaching out in the first place. Before I went I pictured in my head a bunch of over weight moms sitting around in a circle talking about how much we loved pound cake. This was So Not That. Well my first instinct was to turn and run, but my very second instinct was to not offend anyone and that won out so I took a seat. They were taking turns reading the Twelve Traditions of the OA process which included things like how the common welfare of the group should come first, how the only requirement for joining OA is a desire to no longer compulsively overeat, and although I listened to each one (which can be found here) I really got stuck on number two. It just freaked me out:

"For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern."

Oh No! Not God. I'm not Christian. I trust facts and research, and science mixed with quiet meditation, honestly and an open questioning mind! I have no idea if there really is a God out there and if there is I would like to think it wouldn't be a He! I mean it would be androgynous right? What did I think I was doing coming down here? I knew this was part of the 12 step process going in but I had thought oh I'll just skip that part but now it was right there in front of me and I had to confront it and I just didn't know what to say or do. So now I was majorly freaking out. I examined my posture and I had all the classic signs of insecurity. Shoulders rounded down, elbows up on the table with my arms not only crossed but entwined and I was resting my chin in my hand which hid my mouth. I kept my eyes firmly planted on the table that sat between us all except quick glances up to the meeting leader as she addressed the group. My feet were nervously tapping and I was thankful they were out of sight so I wasn't any more of a distraction that I was sure I already was. Those are my classic protect myself from others posture. Whatever I can do to shield my heart from you I will physically do. It is a subconsciousness tick that I've made myself aware of over the years to try to make myself more open and vulnerable to others. Last night I must have looked like a mess for sure. A nervous wreck.

 I was wondering how quickly I could leave without being rude when a few other people walked in. Two of them looked much closer to my age group. Maybe i am ageist after all because that helped me relax just a tiny bit. I felt not so alienated and alone. Then they asked me before they started reading from the book  The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous if I had any questions so far. Well the only thing that was nagging at me was the whole God thing and that can be such a touchy subject, especially while meeting in the education room of a church! I'm not trying to bash on any one else's beliefs I just don't want any pushed on me. But I thought if I'm going to do this, I need to have all of these things answered. I can't just hide my concerns and hope they go away. That is exactly what leads me to compulsively over eat and how I got to be this size. So I try to say as tactfully as I can that my only concern so far is God. Well they were quick to relieve my fears. To the 12 step program God is any higher power however you see fit. It can be a Christian view, Buddhist, or even Agnostic or Atheist  The leader explained that some people use their OA group as a higher power even or their sponsor. Well that made a world of difference. I didn't want to  feel like I was masquerading a Christian. I didn't want to pretend to be something I wasn't. I didn't want to feel like I was sneaking or being underhanded. I knew if this was going to work I needed to be genuine.

So after that was cleared up we started to read from the OA book. Before each reader took their turn they introduced themselves by saying "Hi, my name is so-and-so and I'm a compulsive over eater" and everyone would say hi. I went mute. This was a very real moment for me. Hearing that and hearing everyone respond made reality hit the floor with a giant bang for me. I am in an OA meeting. That book is going to be passed to me and I'm going to have to say those words. Out loud. To a room of strangers. I am going to have to admit I am less than perfect. OH NO What did I get myself into. I sat there trying to listen to the reader over my own racing thoughts. Difficult to say the least. They were on page 101 in the book and I had given up listening. How was I going to say to these people that I was a compulsive over eater? I mean realistically they know already, why else would I be sitting in that stuffy little room? But to have the words pass my lips? UGH. By the time the book got to me I was sweating. It was my turn.

 "Hi, my name is Cynthia, and I'm a compulsive over eater" everyone somewhat cheerfully said "Hi Cynthia" and then I began to read. I couldn't tell you what I read now. I felt the words coming off my lips, I felt the cadence of the sentences flow out of me and into the room but all I could really concentrate on was how my body was shaking. How my skin tingled with desperation and fear and anxiety. In that moment I was honest and related to every single person in that room.

My name is Cynthia, and I am a compulsive over eater.

I knew I had to keep coming back. I had to keep making myself vulnerable. Only by taking off this costume of perfection that has been fueled all these years by excessive amounts of food will I be able to finally by my authentic self. I need to accomplish these steps.

One part I do remember hearing is this;

"Those of us who live this program don't simply carry the message; we are the message. Each day we live well, we are well, and we embody the joy of recovery"

It's powerful right? That is what I want. I want to conquer this compulsion. I want to be a message of hope for others that are suffering like I am. A message that says don't listen to all the people, the media, the statistics that say this isn't possible. It IS possible. It must be. And I'm going to prove it one meeting at a time.

205.8 - And Something Completely different

Things are going really well for me on the food front. I've been staying relatively on track. I did have a piece of cake on Saturday that I felt pretty bad about because I ate the whole thing even though I didn't really like the frosting but other than that I've been doing pretty good. Hitting the gym, keeping in my calorie guidelines and taking my medicine at the same time every day (that helps!). So now I'd like to talk about something different.

Our household are strong believers that our moral compass does not come from religion but from compassion for the human race. We do good because those are the rules of our society and because being nice to people feels better than being mean. We're hard coded to work together and be kind to one another. (radio article with the author of The Bonobo and the Atheist: In Search of Humanism Among the Primates)  We want to teach Piper about morals, values, and how to be an upstanding citizen of the world (not just Fresno, or California, or even the US) and I've been looking for ideas on how to accomplish that via the blogosphere. Unfortunately while there are tons of articles and blogs and series on values and morals they all center on the Bible. Our family is more Agnostic in belief these days. My husband comes from a Catholic upbringing and I come from a Pagan path but we're just more comfortable saying 'We don't know' than 'This is the way'. We want to teach Piper that you do good because it's the human thing to do not because a book, or a God tells us to.

So be prepared to see some posts about how we teach Piper to be a Partner in kindness. She turns one this weekend and is learning so quickly. I hope to post some good idea, projects, books, etc.

This is my real life. The things I deal with, worry about, and contemplate. I hope my ideas are helpful to someone out there!

209.6

I did really well yesterday. I stuck to my food plan almost flawlessly. I tracked all my food and water. Made dinner instead of buying it. And then I didn't overeat the dinner I made. I told myself no dessert. I wasn't able to stick to that, but instead of ice cream I had a half of a pluot (the left overs from Piper's dinner). I was within my calorie range although I was over on sodium and sugar. I still feel proud because this is the first time in months that I have not had ice cream or cookies in the evening. The first time in months that I haven't eaten excessively all day long.

This morning I got up at 4:45 and went to the gym. I had to really talk myself into it. I kept saying to myself  'Who starts exercising on a Friday, I should go back to bed' but I looked at my husband and Piper all snuggled up in bed and knew I had to do what was right for all of us. I got dressed and went to the gym. I hadn't been since January. It felt good to get on the elliptical and move my body.

When I got home I got in the shower and that is when the anxiety started. My chest tightening up, feeling anxious and scared but not having anything real or tangible to be scared or anxious about. I breathed through it till I could feel my chest unclench and tried to brush it off and go on with my day. I got dressed and got Piper up and ready for the day. It wasn't till we got in the car to drop Piper off at day care that another attack hit. This one was stronger. Instead of dealing with it on my own I told my husband. He immediately asked me why I was having a panic attack. I dont know why they come. I dont have a rational or even irrational reason why I feel that way. My body just reacts and I'm left scrambling to come up with a reason. I wonder if I'm starting to feel the affects of leaving my addiction behind. What is that called... Detox? Withdraws? It's just about 10am now and I've had one more anxiety attack and now I also have a headache. I'm chugging water and I am determined to stay on track today. We're not even going out to dinner tonight. I got the crock pot on for shredded chicken soft tacos. I knew I wouldn't be able to restrain myself at a restaurant yet.

I'm glad I'm making this change. It's not an easy day, but I'm glad I'm here.

Rock Bottom

This morning was rock bottom. I've been wondering when I'd get there. I was hoping the knowledge that I was harming myself would do it. Or knowing that I was taking away years from my life that I could be there for Piper. It would have been nice to have rock bottom by realizing that I'm secure in myself and don't need to eat compulsively anymore. I wish I could say that I stopped because I knew I was feeding my body poison. I wish I could say that I stopped because I wanted to be a better influence for my family. I wish I could say that I stopped because I was cured of my food addiction; my eating disorder. But I'm not. I didn't.

This morning I made the decision to change because I got on the scale and it said 211.7. I don't want to weigh 211.7. I don't want a 2 in front of my weight anymore. It's a mask. It's a hiding spot. A security blanket that I hide behind. 211.7 is a suit of body armor that protects me from something/someone that doesn't exist anymore. My childhood is over. I am in control of my life now. I'm not going to let the past rule my present life. I'm killing myself. I'm robbing my daughter of her mother. I'm robbing my husband of his wife. And I'm doing it all for this body armor that weighs 211.7 pounds that I don't need anymore. I'm done. No more.

Today I'm Okay

I'm doing okay today.

 I'm finding each day I'm feeling a little better about my eating. I still am having a really difficult time with my body image but everything in due time. I'm hoping to find some time to start going to the gym again soon. I just need to get Piper to either sleep through the night or at least get so she doesn't need to nurse at 5am any more. That is my prime exercise time. I didn't really think I'd still be breast feeding at a year, but here we are. Her first birthday is in less than two weeks which I'm having a bit of a hard time with but at the same time I'm really excited for the progress she's made. I have to be realistic and know that she isn't going to be a baby forever and that is such a blessing. I'm looking forward to seeing her grow and mature even though I already miss her squishy baby face. 

I made a goal to not eat any fast food this week. We already broke that but realistically if we only have it once in the whole week that will still be a huge improvement. I made a meal plan and went grocery shopping so I'm hoping the rest of the week goes smoothly. 

As for over eating I have been better about binging but things haven't been perfect. I ate 4 pieces of costco coffee cake and 8 cookies so far this week that were left over from Easter and I also ate half a pint of chocolate smores gelato. It sounds really bad but sadly its not as bad as I had been and thankfully the cake and cookies are out of the house now. I have been really good with breakfast and lunch being right on target, so I'm marking that as a small success. I feel good about that. It is an improvement to not run to a fast food place at lunch every day (sometimes even on top of my packed lunch). 

So all in all small improvements.